A Change of Plans

As of a month ago, Portland was going to be my forever  home. I've built the 20-something life of my dreams over the past 2 years, so how could I leave? But while applying for clinical fellowship's this semester, I kept hearing people mentioning, "Why don't you relocate?" "You could live anywhere, you should go on an adventure!" And my heart kept saying, "no, no, no. I don't want to leave. I'm too invested here. I LOVE it here!" 

Well God had something else in mind. 

Once I handed over the fellowship process to God and really listened to what He had to say to me, it was very clear what I had to do. And I didn't 100% like it. But I didn't absolutely hate it either. Basically he said:

 You're moving to California. And not only that, but you're moving back to Sacramento. You've got things to do there and people to see. Get going. 

Well shoot.

And guess what? The minute I applied within the area, I'm not even kidding you, the next day I got an interview and within the next few days I received a job offer. Now that's when you know you've been listening to the holy spirit. 

When I was trying to fight to stay in Portland, I kept hitting road blocks and found myself frustrated, beat down, and overwhelmed. Once I gave up control and really listened to the path He has for me (which took probably about a month tbh), the path became so clear and everything opened up. 

When I envisioned the summer ahead, I never saw definitive plans or imagined myself in Portland, strangely enough. But I didn't really think much of it. Now I know he was preparing my mind to move this summer back to the place I, honestly, said I would never move back to. 

Funny how that works. 

While leaving this place will be extremely hard, I feel incredibly blessed that it IS hard and that I've made such amazing friends, found a home church, invested in community, and really loved on this place. I will probably cry buckets of tears as I drive down I-5 but I know Portland is just a hop, skip, and a plane ride away. 

So there it is! Today was my last day of my full time externship, I graduate with my masters on May 20th, and I start my clinical fellowship this summer! Holy cow!! 

Oh, AND I'M MOVING BACK TO CALIFORNIA! AHHHHHH

All of this to say, don't forget to take a minute everyday to sit and listen to what God has to say. He definitely wants to sit and talk with us and I bet you He has some big, important things to say to ya. :) 

*All photos by my friend Carson*

New Motivation

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Several weeks ago I was talking to my friend about turning 24 and she made the comment that 24 was when she felt her body slow down and she had to actively work out more consistently. Now I don't know if it's because she said that or because it is really happening, but I feel like my body is slowing down. (honestly, I'm probably just thinking about it way more)

I've been really lucky all my life (and due to my athletic past) in that I've only had to worry about weight after I studied abroad in Italy and gained a few pounds. But now I feel this new urgency to be more intentional about how much I exercise and what I eat. (In case you're wondering, I'm still eating like a 12 year old with my constant treats and lunchable lunches. :) ) 

All of this to say, I am a Blacktag member at Core Power Yoga (the best!! kicks my butt all the time!) and partially because I feel I need to get my money's worth and partially because I feel sluggish more now than ever before, I'm trying to go 3 x a week. And normally my 23 year old year would say "ok perfect. that's all the exercise i'll do for the week!" but my 24 year old self feels the need to do more. So on Tuesday I went on a jog (my lungs started burning and I felt like I wanted to die but hey, I did it) and the last 2 days I've gone to yoga with plans to go tonight and on Saturday I'm snowshoeing! All of a sudden I look at myself and go "WHO AM I? 5 days of exercise??" 

And then at yoga last night the instructor walked us through the hurdler pose and the competitive part of me was all "YEAH! LET'S DO THIS! I CAN DO THAT!" so I tried it out. Let's just say it was a total fail haha. My teeny little arms could not hold up my body and I had to stop before I hurt myself. But instead of becoming discouraged or looking around and thinking "well all of them can do it, why can't I?" I just thought, "Guess I just need to work harder on my arm strength!" 

Guys. That's progress.

 (here's the hurdler pose for context. my face did not look like hers)

So what am I rambling on about? 

While I still wouldn't say I LOVE exercising in a forced way (take me on a hike, snowshoeing, long walk, roller blading etc. and I'm good!) I'm realizing how important it is and how much I want to be strong! I don't even want to focus on the weight part. I want to do the hurdler pose and not break my arms and I want to do a head stand consistently and I want to run without feeling like I am dying. 

What's motivating you? Why do you work out?

To the BCE

Class of 2017 & 2018

On Friday I am driving home and celebrating my last semester of classes EVER. That is both surreal and incredibly exciting. I will miss Berglund Hall and the many, many hours I've spent going from room 145 to 147 or vice versa. But mostly I will miss seeing our professors and all of the amazing people in my cohort every couple of days. Next semester my cohort heads off to our externships as we prepare for comprehensive exams and graduation. This means some of us are leaving the state and will not be seen nearly enough. 

These people have been the most amazing support system a girl could ask for. I am so freakin' grateful for every single one of them. My grad school experience would not have been the same or nearly as fun with any other mix of humans. 

This fall has been one of the best. Usually fall is the hardest season for me filled with transitions, hard classes, unruly weather and uncertainty, but not this fall. This fall was filled with the best clinical placement I could have asked for, the perfect mix of weather, interesting classes, spontaneous trips, new commitments and really investing in my community. 

Spring will be challenging but the graduation at the end will make it all worth it. I can't wait to see all of my cohort in one place again and hug them for an uncomfortably long time. :) 

Thanks BCE!! 

You guys all have my heart.

Dear You

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Dear you,

I hope you often feel that jumbled sense of excitement and nerves when something exciting happens
I hope you often stop to admire a baby's innocent little laugh full of uninhibited joy
I hope you take the time to smile at the cashier and earnestly wish them a nice day
I hope you live in a too cold apartment someday and you must surround yourself in fuzzy blankets
I hope you sing loudly in the car, at concerts, in church
I hope you allow yourself some true blue community
I hope you invest in yourself
I hope you invest in others
I hope you get to hold the hand of someone you love
I hope you forgo makeup some days and notice how young and free it makes you feel
I hope you dress for yourself (so wear the 1920's cloche hat)
I hope you refuse to cover your mouth when you laugh
I hope you allow yourself to cry
I hope you allow others to cry
I hope you find what you're passionate about
I hope you don't worry or change it if it is not what culture is passionate about
I hope you listen to people's stories instead of the media's versions of stories
I hope you find someone or something to cuddle with
I hope you listen to God
I hope you act on what He says
I hope you stop listening to what others think
I hope you know you are loved.....so, so loved
I hope you stop to admire sunsets/rain falling/snow falling/sunlight beaming across a field
I hope you have someone you can talk to who will just listen
I hope you take the time to listen
I hope you don't mind how loud silence can be
I hope you let your mind be still
I hope you take care of your body
I hope you love your body
I hope you love who you are when you are alone
I hope you don't have to wear masks
I hope you let your freak flag fly
I hope you are always striving
I hope you are filled
I hope you love the person you are becoming
I hope you love the person you were
I hope you explore
I hope you go toe-to-toe with your fears
I hope you win


Love, me

Little Surprises

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If there is one post that is consistently discussed throughout my many years of blogging, it would be about God's plan for my life and what I think my plan is. I'm constantly amazed that usually the path I think I should follow or the job I believe I should apply for is usually all my planning and not His. Sure, I'll pray a bit about it and say I trust He's got it but really, at my core, I'm running alone. 

But He never lets that happen for too long. 

He's really good at dropping little surprises and reminders along the way. 

God is kind of the best gift giver in that way. 

One of the first times He did this in my life for grad school. I busted my butt to apply, ensured I was doing everything right, getting good grades, working in labs etc. and yet when it came time to hear if I got in anywhere, I was wait listed or rejected. Ouch. 

So I waited. I put it into God's hands. I had a good few weeks of acceptance that maybe Speech wasn't in the cards for me and I lived my life. Honestly, I began living my life for the first time since graduating (so December) in about mid March. That's a long time of being anxious and mentally consumed. Not proud of that. 

But then God surprised me with my acceptance to Pacific. And it's been a perfect adventure ever since. I love this school and this program. Good luck to all the people that come up to me at the ASHA convention in November asking about Pacific because I can sing its praises for a while. 

Then, just recently, He surprised me again. 

I've wanted to be a medical SLP since high school and while I've said, "I'm open for anything!" my heart has always been sold on medical settings. Now it's true I don't have one set medical setting in mind, but I do know I want it to be medical. So when I got placed in a school setting for Fall, I wasn't too surprised as I expected it, but I was still a bit bummed. Determined to make the best of it, yes, but bummed regardless. 

Then I got an email this week notifying me of the unicorn of all medical placements in pediatric inpatient at the children's hospital in the area. I squealed and literally jumped with joy and have not been this excited about something since getting into grad school. It's going to be extremely hard and sad but I can't wait to work under my supervisor and learn more than I could ever hope for. 

But this is what God does! He takes our dreams, our hopes, and turns them into something greater than we could have ever cooked up! He knows us no matter how hard we try to be mysterious. 

So I feel a general peace about my final year of grad school (holy smokes!!). I don't know what the next 6 months hold or lordy, the next 12 but that's ok. And I mean that honestly. I actually feel confident that whatever I get or wherever I go, God will have a hand in it and move me further down my path. 

Has he done this with you? This kind of gift of something better than you could have ever imagined? Or maybe it was a really hard decision but led you to where you are now and the now is so much better? I want to know!

Cheers

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The other day I was walking to my car, yoga mat tucked into my bag, texting my friend I was on my way, texting another friend how excited I was about her new apartment and the bay windows (!! #goals) and it hit me. I am living the life I always dreamed I would when I was 12 years old. 

 

In middle school or elementary school I would fantasize about my 20-somethings. I imagined waking up to the sound of the coffee maker, hurrying to work, wearing amazing clothes and having a tight knit community that I loved. Oh, and we would always end the day with cocktails because we were so sophisticated. 

 

It's fun to say that my life is not all that different from the one I imagined. Most mornings I make myself tea (no coffee every day for me anymore, unfortunately), spend quiet time with the Bible, hurry off to school, sometimes attend a yoga class after, and always make plans for cocktails at some point in the weekend. Usually fit some adventure in there as well. 

 

Oh, and did I mention I'm living in a city? Even my young heart couldn't dream up some of this stuff. 

 

All of this to say, sometimes it's nice to allow ourselves to be content with where we are. To stop wishing for just one more thing to "complete" me. I don't ever want to be "completed" till I am long gone and dead! Who determines what we need or don't need in life?? #society that's who. 

 

I am a 23 year old badass grad student who will have her masters by the time she's 24, has lived in a city, has made great friends, gotten involved, explored, dated, traveled, etc. and still has so much more living and learning to do! If you don't mind me tooting my own horn, I'm doing juuuuuuust fine. :) 

 

And I can bet, so are you. Exactly where you're at. 

 

Celebrate the everyday and the now my friends! 

An Ode to Portland

 This week is the anniversary of finding out I got into grad school. This time, almost exactly a year ago, everything began to fall into place. All the hard work, the tears, the anxiety and the unknowns all came together to create the most perfect plan. And it wasn't how I would have had it go down at all, but God felt differently. 

And I wouldn't take a second back.

On Sunday I was driving back from church, listening to some music play softly in the background, the windows rolled down, as the trees swayed in the wind and thousands of leaves and flowers fell to the ground. It was like a scene out of a movie. A beautiful tree-lined street, the protagonist in her car thinking about other things when she all of a sudden notices how much beauty surrounds her and it stops her in her tracks. 

I always wanted to step into one of those movies and live in one of the tree-lined neighborhoods like in Father of the Bride with a big white house and black shutters. On Sunday it felt like I had finally found myself in one of those scenes and it made me take a minute to be thankful for this place that I'm in. 

And life isn't all perfect. I don't want anyone to think that I'm walking on rainbows day in and day out without any trials (currently my face is breaking out like I'm 13, so there's that), but it becomes really difficult to complain when Portland gives you a sunny day and there's a general buzz in the air. I'm living according to God's plan for me and while each day has its unknowns, I know the general trajectory of my life is set according to the path He's placed before me. 

Portland has been the ultimate gift for the girl who, a year ago, doubted everything and didn't know left from right. April 23nd, 2015 was the day everything turned around and it's a day I'll continue to celebrate year after year. 

We all have those moments in our lives where there is a key change. The build up is often complex and frustrating, filled with potholes and triumphs, but it makes the reward that much sweeter. It's the moment you get the job, you realize you had feelings for that person all along, you decide you have to move if you're ever going to grow, you leave the job for the one you are made for, or you climb the mountain you thought was impossible to climb. 

Portland/grad school was and is all of that to me.


ps. if you want some goosebumps, read THIS post from April 15th, 2015. spooky. this is why i blog.

pss. and for fun, HERE'S the post when i announced i got into grad school :)

psss. tired of me yet? just have a great Portland story from yesterday. we were on Division (always a kind of crowded 2 lane street) and trying to fit two large pieces of furniture into my friends car and secretly hoping some strong man would come help us because #weak when 1 man completely pulled to the side of the road-illegally-to help us out, then 2 more guys come over and basically take over the whole process. 3 strangers totally helped us out!! How amazing is that in such a busy, individualistic society that we live in that 3 guys of all different ages would help some sisters out. it made me grateful to live in this sweet community once again. 

It's a Personality Thing

Recently, I've become really fascinated by personalities. You know, the Meyers-Briggs set of personalities. I recently stumbled across an article that perfectly described me to a tee and it stopped me in my tracks. I sent it to my mom, read it to all my best friends and we all agreed it. was. spooky. So we then proceeded to read each others personality profiles and all found the same thing: it was comforting to be understood and realize that some of our crazy, wasn't so crazy after all. :) A few of us are keeping a list of each others personality types just to have on hand!

I am an INFJ. Apparently we are pretty rare and are considered "extroverted introverts." A-men. We can't make up our mind about whether or not social situations give us energy or drain us and honestly, it just depends on the day. We are resilient but also sensitive. Changing the direction of our thoughts to focus on something else is frustrating and challenging because we are usually overthinking something. ;) 

 We connect with others really easily but creating long-lasting relationships is what we crave and where we put our energy. We can often feel let down a lot by our relationships because of the effort and love that we try to put into each one and find it's not always reciprocated. #sensitive Also, wanting to relax and recharge our batteries seems like a genius idea until about an hour in and we are antsy and bored. Must. Always. Be. Working. Towards. Something. Dating is frustrating because we are the least "casual" people ever and look for depth and meaning in every relationship. 

So if you know me well, all of that is pretty fricken accurate but there was something else that I've been thinking about a lot. In all of the articles I read it said, "You hate small talk" and while, sure, it's not my favorite thing, hate seemed like too strong a word. Then, the other day, I had a breakthrough. I realized that the reason I think I'm good at small talk and do pretty well in new environments or bigger social gatherings, is because I deflect REALLY well. I just recently caught myself doing this and kind of laughed to myself. 

When I'm doing what I consider "small talk" I'm actually just trying to figure out everything I can about that person and completely ignoring all mentions of my life. If someone asks me a question I will quickly answer and then ask you, like, 12 more questions. INFJ's love getting to know people and finding connections but we also don't love giving up information about ourselves until we know we can trust you. Then, once we trust you, get ready to hear everything haha. No holding back. 

So now that I've bared my soul to you and you know everything about me ;) why don't you mention what personality type YOU are!! Here's the website!

Just Messy & Beautiful Humans

The way God orchestrates our lives is pretty neat right? He picks a moment where you assume you know what's going to happen and he totally surprises you. I look back on this past year, a doozy of a year, and I just have to smile at all of the little things he's done for me and the surprises he placed in my path. 

I think back to April, the biggest surprise of them all, when I got into grad school in Oregon. I was so prepared to drop my life-long plans and pick a new life track once I received all of the wait list and rejection notifications. But then a crazy thing happened and I got into one of my top schools and in a state I've always wanted to live in! And now I'm here and absolutely in love with my cohort, my program and this state. 

Then I think back on this weekend. I was so consumed with one event happening and the build up associated with it that I almost didn't notice all of the love surrounding me. Suddenly I stopped and looked around and almost broke down by how loved and cared for I felt. All of these people have known me for 2.5 months or less yet it felt like a family. So the one event I thought was going to be life-changing, actually proved to be something else entirely and my eyes were opened to something even greater. 

I don't know what the next 2.5 months will bring but if they're anything like these last ones, I'm in for a wild ride. Being here in Oregon, reaching out to new people, trusting God, creating community, loving on people, and opening myself up to new experiences and adventures is what life is all about. And how exciting is that? 

We are all just people living our own little lives that are messy, beautiful, sloppy, and imperfect. One person's exterior is never really an indication of their interior. And when we allow ourselves to delve into other people's interiors and live life with them, there's this really special thing that happens called friendship and commitment. 

All of this is to say that I'm eternally grateful for the people in my life right now who show me friendship, love and commitment on a daily basis. Life is better with other messy humans, don't you agree?

To end, here's an excerpt from Brené Brown's TED talk on vulnerability. My friend shared it with our cohort the other day and it's SO good. Watch it HERE:

"But there's another way, and I'll leave you with this. This is what I have found: To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen ... to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee -- and that's really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult -- to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?" just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, "I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive." And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we're enough. Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough" ... then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves."

Amen, right? 

Living a Rooted Life

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On Sunday, the church I go to, Bridgetown, started a new series for the fall and introduced the series for 2016 as well. In his speech, he mentioned how the church will be seeking out a greater sense of creating roots and planting itself within the city of Portland. He went on to explain how this idea of "rootlessness" and lack of commitment to where we are currently placed has run rampant across the Western culture's mindset. Prior to cars or the internet, people stayed where they were and created community with what was around them. 

While I am all for traveling, moving to new places, meeting new people etc. etc., there is something to be said for staying in one place for a while and really placing roots. It goes back to my whole struggle for a "home", which I've talked about quite a bit on here. We were made to create community with one another and the easiest way to do that, is by being around those closest to you. 

As someone who left home in California at the age of 18 to move to Arizona and is now currently living in Oregon, I know a little bit about moving around. Some would say I'm pretty good at it by now. When you're young, you have the community that your parents introduce you to and through the high school you attend. But once you leave that bubble, you are thrust into unknown territory and the only way to make it, in my humble opinion, is to reach out and form your own community. 

It wasn't until I implemented the community aspect into my life in Tucson that I really began to love it there. Once I volunteered within the city, pushed myself outside my limits, found a church I really loved, I was able to feel at peace. But then I moved again. And this time, it was back to my original home that no longer held the same level of community I was used to.  

By the time I moved to Oregon (going on a little over a month now!! Woo!) I knew the first thing I needed to do was to create community. I started going to Bridgetown the first weekend I moved in (luckily my roommate had already checked it out and given it a firm two thumbs up) and instantly pushed my way into a small group. Once school started I began forming community with my cohort and now, a month in, I fully feel like Portland is my home. 

In my book, community is the key to being content. And finding a community that is walking distance or a short drive away is also key. These are the people we will be doing life with! They need to be the ones that see us at our best and worst and in the mundane day-to-day! It's really hard to do that from afar. It can still happen! But it's harder. 

All of this to say, I am a huge fan of creating roots wherever you are. I may only be in Oregon for two years of maybe ten but heck, I'm going to make these years the best ones I can and get to KNOW this city I call home. Once you take that step, the whole world opens up and happiness follows. 

So go put down those roots!!!  

Perspective

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Lately I've felt like that person you'll see on the side of the road holding coffee, a large bag, folders, talking on the phone, trying to make it down the sidewalk and you just watch from a little ways back wondering when everything is going to fall.

On Friday I dropped one of the items, probably the first of many, and had to learn how to pick it back up and move on. (after a mini meltdown session with mom of course)

On Saturday my balance was firmly back in place. 

Yesterday, with my balance still firmly in place, I felt the nudge to slow down and reflect. 

A couple people in my cohort recently lost loved ones and it sent them entirely off balance. As it would anyone. So while I was over on one sidewalk teetering on the edge because I may have stumbled a bit, they were on the ground picking up their own pieces. And it really put things into perspective.  

Time is fleeting, as we all know. But I feel like I often forget in the daily grind of life. I get so caught up in my (now endless) to-do list and forget to send up a prayer of thanksgiving. It's when you're friends lose loved ones that make you stop and realize how small your problems are. I don't like discounting other people's problems or even my own most of the time because yes, they seem big in the moment. But that's all they are. Momentary concerns. 

With what is going on in Syria and Europe and at home, with my friends stories, I want to get better about constantly giving thanks and appreciating the small, seemingly mundane things. 

I guess this is all to say how important perspective is. Sometimes I need a reminder of that and maybe you did too?

Hey there!

Hi. Hello. Is this thing on? 

If you follow me on Twitter or Instagram (if not, why {k}not start now??), then you may not 

know that I moved to Portland, Oregon a week ago! Today is my one week anniversary! You best believe it will be spent drinking some kind of delicious coffee or craft beer! ;)

I've missed this space to vent my thoughts and share pretty things so very much! But in July, it just wasn't cut out for me. My mind was elsewhere and I wanted to soak up as much home and family time as I could. That month and a half off was preeeeeetty nice. I was able to recharge and figure out what direction I want this little ole blog to take. 

So! I am turning this blog into an adventure blog! I will chronicle my days that will consist of grad school among other things like walks through the many parks of Portland, the beautiful coffee shops, the amazing food places etc. etc. All of this is a secret, but not so secret, ploy to get all of my loved ones up here with me. ;)

Already, within a week, I have explored so much and I can't wait to share it all with you! I've made new friends, decorated my apartment (pics soon I promise!!), and done every cliche thing of Portland. This new move felt so right and like I had just been waiting to get up north all of my life. (#sappy) But it's true! 

And I can't wait to share it all with YOU! 

SO! Any suggestions? What is your favorite thing about Portland? Making a trip up here? Come see me!! 

Dang it feels good to be back! :)

Sisters

I think it's truly unfair how little time we have to fully appreciate our sisters once you reach an age where you actually want to spend time with them. In high school, you take that time for granted and then, as the oldest, I was the first to move away and miss out on how great they were becoming. Now all three of us are rarely all together but when we are, it's really the best.

My sisters and I are all at ages where we look up to to each other equally, root each other on, and rarely fight. It's cheesy to say but I think we might be at the golden age of sisterhood. (Now all I can think about is The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants...) I enjoy spending time with my sisters and see them more as live-in friends these days. 

One of the major blessings in my life lately has been these several months of getting to know my youngest sister at her current age. I was away at school for most of her high school years and missed a lot of her recent development. Being home with her now has been such a blast and she is one of the wisest and funniest people I know. I will never take for granted this time at home where I've gotten to truly know my sister. 

Because of how close my sisters and I have become, saying good-bye all the time is getting increasingly more difficult. My mom and I drove to Yosemite and back last week to drop off my middle sister for the summer so she can change kids' lives as a camp counselor for 2.5 months. On the drive home we were reflecting on how the last three weeks since she got home from studying abroad were the last few weeks of our family ever living under one roof for a significant amount of time again. It's sad but also exciting so think how each of us is growing and creating a life even if it means we will be separated more than reunited majority of the time. 

God had a genius moment when he decided siblings would be a good idea.

Hope you have a great Wednesday and go hug your sister/brother!

So....

I'M GOING TO GRAD SCHOOL!!

I'm moving to Oregon in August to get my masters in Speech-Language Pathology and I couldn't be more excited!!

I have to be honest though. I was 99% sure this wasn't going to happen. I completely felt like God was telling me grad school was not a stop in my path and instead I needed to find alternatives. On MONDAY I was looking up apartments and jobs in the Sacramento area so I could be proactive and have a plan for once the summer ends. And honestly, I was content. I had grappled with the pain and rejection of not getting in anywhere all of March and April was spent picking up the pieces and trying to find a purpose. 

But God is sneaky like that. I think He wanted me to sweat it out a little bit and see how I handled it. And He wanted me to see that no matter the outcome, I would be fine regardless. 

My mom and I both agree that if I had heard in February or March when everyone else I know heard their good news, I probably would not have enjoyed it as much and would not have gone through the important journey I did. I wouldn't wish my March on anyone because it was filled with a lot of heartbreak and uncertainty but at the same time, isn't that when we learn the most? Isn't that when we realize how strong we really can be? I look back on the last two months and I think, "Dang, I'm proud of myself! High fives all around!"

Just as Whitney from Blonde Atlas wrote in her Saturday post, God places those periods of "Saturdays" in our lives for a reason. If I had not experienced my own Saturday, then my Sunday would not have been as sweet. My Sunday would not have been such a huge exhale and sense of relief. And as much as I struggled with the waiting in the beginning, I really do believe that I was trusting almost the whole way. I made plans, I updated resumes, I looked for jobs, I sought out advice, etc. etc.

So when I heard my exciting Sunday news, I was shocked, I was elated and I was emotional. I immediately called up everyone I hold dear and shouted the news to them. And because we had all been on this journey together, there were many joy-filled screams. 

And to close it all out, my parents and I bought some champagne and toasted to the roller coaster ride this spring has been. Is there any better way to celebrate??


"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for these who have been trained by it."
-Hebrews 12:11 

The Highlight Reels

I was reading the She Reads Truth Monday devotional post all about seeking and they wrote something that made me sit up and think. In the first paragraph they talk about a characters epiphany in a movie. You know the one when they realize how they've been living their life all wrong/their best guy friend is actually the love of their life/how they need to take THAT job, the one they've been avoiding/ etc. etc. etc. All the cliche epiphany's. 

But I do love that part in the movies. I love when we've been sitting there for an hour watching his/her life build up to one moment and when it's just about to happen, I often find myself grinning and giddy. Even when it has nothing to do with my life, watching someone's life pan out, even a fictional life, is exhilarating and worth watching. Is she going to get the guy? Is the guy going to realize that she's "the one"? Will the company finally realize his/her potential?  Will she leave everything and pursue the dream?

Sometimes it seems nice to have a short story like in movies. To have a clear beginning, middle and end all wrapped into 2 hours and the character has all their questions answered. But then I realize I like the nitty gritty of daily life. Movies don't show daily life. They show the highlight reel of a characters life. We all get those highlight reels every once in a while, but then we also have the bits that would never make it into a movie because, let's be real, they aren't often that entertaining.

I feel like I am right at my epiphany. Or at least I hope I am. ;) And this is just one epiphany of many! I want this section of my life to be jam packed with fun highlight reels (with the occasional boring bits) and I want to take the leap. I'm not sure what "the leap" is yet, but I'm sure it'll be exciting and terrifying, as most leaps are. 

Just curious, what have been some of the highlight reels in your life? Those moments that stand out as greater somehow?

the nitty gritty

 
 so this month has not been very kind to me or my family. and yes, it could be worse. it can always be worse. but right now? right now just really sucks. (no better term, i'm sorry english majors.) it's like march is helping us build a cake filled with nasty bits and pieces that we would must rather discard but have to continue baking. 

i try to be positive and show pretty pictures majority of the time because that's usually what i need to get me out of a funk. but sometimes words can help as well, and that's what i'm choosing to do right now. you see, i'm at a crossroads right now where i can continue with what i've always believed and thought was right for me or i can take that left fork in the road and travel onwards towards the unknown. not gonna lie, that road sounds terrifying. 

but is it what i'm supposed to do? is that my next move?

 link

on tuesday i received Natalie Holbrook's book, Hey Natalie Jean, and she perfectly captured a little of what i am feeling so i thought i would share. 

"And then I imagine God, in the present, next to me. Sitting shiva for my struggles. Mourning. He is quiet and still, His hands in his lap but His love radiates onto me in waves. I can see them. Visible waves. I think they're kind of a marigold color."

 i, too, can picture God just kind of looking over at me with pain in His eyes as i question everything. I like to think I have hope for my path but I really don't and I struggle with it. And I know He sees that. and i know He is trying to tell me to be still. (always that phrase, always) 

 link

and sometimes i wake up all fresh and new and ready, so ready, to take on the world and the disappointments that will undoubtedly come that day and i gain some hope. but then they just keep coming and i feel a little like i'm out in a field letting paint balls pelt me one after the other and i let everyone watch as i take the pain. and i just keep wondering when i will move, and if i should. 

Natalie ended my favorite chapter of the book, On Grooves if you're interested, by saying,

"It is a daily task to stop and remind myself that whether or not this season of life is particularly difficult, it is still just a season. I am always surrounded by a beauty that I can choose to focus on instead. Even in pain, there are moments I'll remember with fondness, experiences I'll take to my grave with pride. This is it. Right now. And even if the happiness I make for myself today is so silly and insignificant, it counts. And I'll be so grateful that I paid attention."

ugh. so good right? so so SO what I needed.

so i am going to try and take my days one at a time and find my silly happiness in what i can and when april 1st comes along, i will welcome it in with wide, open arms.

also i bought a new hat yesterday and sometimes that's all it takes to turn a day around. :)