the nitty gritty

 so this month has not been very kind to me or my family. and yes, it could be worse. it can always be worse. but right now? right now just really sucks. (no better term, i'm sorry english majors.) it's like march is helping us build a cake filled with nasty bits and pieces that we would must rather discard but have to continue baking. 

i try to be positive and show pretty pictures majority of the time because that's usually what i need to get me out of a funk. but sometimes words can help as well, and that's what i'm choosing to do right now. you see, i'm at a crossroads right now where i can continue with what i've always believed and thought was right for me or i can take that left fork in the road and travel onwards towards the unknown. not gonna lie, that road sounds terrifying. 

but is it what i'm supposed to do? is that my next move?

on tuesday i received Natalie Holbrook's book, Hey Natalie Jean, and she perfectly captured a little of what i am feeling so i thought i would share. 

"And then I imagine God, in the present, next to me. Sitting shiva for my struggles. Mourning. He is quiet and still, His hands in his lap but His love radiates onto me in waves. I can see them. Visible waves. I think they're kind of a marigold color."

 i, too, can picture God just kind of looking over at me with pain in His eyes as i question everything. I like to think I have hope for my path but I really don't and I struggle with it. And I know He sees that. and i know He is trying to tell me to be still. (always that phrase, always) 

and sometimes i wake up all fresh and new and ready, so ready, to take on the world and the disappointments that will undoubtedly come that day and i gain some hope. but then they just keep coming and i feel a little like i'm out in a field letting paint balls pelt me one after the other and i let everyone watch as i take the pain. and i just keep wondering when i will move, and if i should. 

Natalie ended my favorite chapter of the book, On Grooves if you're interested, by saying,

"It is a daily task to stop and remind myself that whether or not this season of life is particularly difficult, it is still just a season. I am always surrounded by a beauty that I can choose to focus on instead. Even in pain, there are moments I'll remember with fondness, experiences I'll take to my grave with pride. This is it. Right now. And even if the happiness I make for myself today is so silly and insignificant, it counts. And I'll be so grateful that I paid attention."

ugh. so good right? so so SO what I needed.

so i am going to try and take my days one at a time and find my silly happiness in what i can and when april 1st comes along, i will welcome it in with wide, open arms.

also i bought a new hat yesterday and sometimes that's all it takes to turn a day around. :)

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